Here is a list of things that appear in this movie after this point: maggot cupcakes, magical butterflies, a gummi bear tree, a witch council where a wizard informs them they look like a terrible '80s band (they do), Elijah Wood wearing a white stretch turtleneck, a botanical witch fashion show, a maraschino cherry filled with memory potion mixed up by Rose Leslie, a blind pastry chef eaten by a tree, and a witch queen whose main super power is controlling a swarm of bees.The Last Witch Hunter feels like a slightly more mature young adult novel adaptation. Kaulder suspects black magic, and with some of his witchy forensic skills, the plot is off and running. Sir Michael Caine dies and is replaced by Elijah Wood. Sir Michael Caine is his favorite priest assistant and best friend. He's been at this witch hunting game for a while, which means he has powers to deduce the presence of witches by fogging up windows with his breath and whispering "magic!" He can also control the weather by fiddling around with "ancient runes." He's got a sick ride and an entire order of priests dedicated to basically being his personal assistants. He skewers her with his fire sword, but not before she curses him to live forever hunting witches.įast forward to present day and Kaulder has adopted the cue ball hairdo that is Diesel's trademark. He corners the Witch Queen, who's made up of tree roots and bees she has brought a "black plague" upon humanity. About 800 or so years ago, Kaulder (Diesel) tromps around a forest in his best Euro-tribal drag, complete with inexplicable gingery beard and a fierce weave. Star Vin Diesel pushes the powers of his racial ambiguity to the max in a prologue that outlines the origin story of his witch hunter character. Like that other witch hunter movie, "Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters," this is a film that is completely looney tunes, and it only half knows it.
There are moments where it achieves the highest camp, and times where it strives for something attempting dark grittiness, and that middle ground is a brutal no-man's-land. The premise itself, while definitely out there, could possibly work, if the nonsensical screenplay didn't throw everything at it to see what sticks. It's too self-reflective to be an entertaining mess of unintentional hilarity, but none of the actual scripted punchlines land. What to make of "The Last Witch Hunter"? What a curious conundrum.
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